For months now, I have written in black and white. I was in search of color, navigating through the deep waters of grief.
To those that know my story, you can easily imagine the troubles in finding the joy amongst the rivers of constant pain. But, amidst it all, I can finally say a ray of color is insight. You ask, "how?" I tell.
Forgive is to acknowledge. Acknowledge is to accept. Accept is to heal.
Now, as short as that statement is, it takes a lot longer to understand. So, here's what I've been picking up on my journey towards the rainbow at the end of the river.
After my loss(es) I knew that the first step in my grief would be to forgive. I knew this but, I also knew that forgiveness would start when I put forth the effort. There lies the problem. I didn't want to forgive all that had happened to me. In a way, the depression felt necessary. I was so angry with God. I drowned myself in tears for nights, thinking that this would be my new normal. But, when I realized that the "new normal" was a decision that I'd chosen to make out of my trauma, I knew that I'd have to start forgiving. It was the only way I could begin to grow from my suffering. So, I started with my faith, family, and friends.
Once I started sailing towards forgiveness, I could acknowledge where I had gone wrong. Therefore, I could also forgive myself. This wave was hard for me to get over. I was shameful of my anger and misunderstanding throughout my hospital days and the days following. After trying countless times to work on myself, independently, it came to me that I'd have to ask for help, something I've hated doing since I was a kid. But, I asked for help through prayer, and God sent me words from others. Once I finally listened, I was able to hear what He was telling me. Accept.
"Shame makes it hard for us to believe good things are in store for our future."
- Sadie Robertson, Live
Instead of shaming myself, I began to accept that what happened to me and what I'd done was going to be part of my story. Sharing my story has helped me in more ways than I could ever describe. To share your feelings is something I suggest to anyone going through a stormy time. If you don't, they stay within you, filling your mind and soul with pictures in black and white. Open healing, as I like to call it, is a process, a commitment, and definitely a challenge. But, at last, it's a grace.
I can truthfully say, "I'm happy" to those that ask how I'm doing. My tears are a little less salty, and my life has more colors on the pallete than black and white. Of course, I have my days where I'm sad or angry, but they finally feel normal. They do not anchor me to the bottom. Instead, I view them as fixable emotions, a weight that can be released.
Whatever it is you may be going through, acknowledge, accept, and heal yourself. It's never too late, or early, to find color in your next chapter.
Source:
Huff, Sadie Robertson, and Beth Clark. Live: Remain Alive, Be Alive at a Specified Time, Have an Exciting or Fulfilling Life. Thomas Nelson, 2020.
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