Paxton and Maria,
One year...
One whole year celebrating the short life you two had. A whole year of searching for you, looking for how you both would appear each day. Some days I saw you in the sunsets, and on others, you took form in the birds that flew in front of them. And finally, a year of living my life in the small memory I cherish of you two.
Today was your birthday, the day you came into my arms, and never left my heart.
June 27-28, 2021
After going to bed with chills covering my body, I woke up in a cold sweat. I knew the time had come. This was the night that I'd finally get to meet my little loves. It was hard to navigate through my emotions. I was happy I'd get to figure out each feature you had. From the shape of your noses to the nails on your toes, I was going to love them all. And, I was happy that my hospital stay was finally coming to an end. But, I knew that my hospital stay wasn't the only end Id had to endure that night.
The nurses checked my temperature, gave me an ultrasound, and then gave me the news. My fever had reached 102, Maria had lost her heartbeat, and I was becoming severely ill. The nurses and doctors got the delivery room ready and shortly after I was ready too.
As they rolled me down the halls in my bed, I looked at all the paintings and pictures on the walls. They were filled with images of mothers and their infants. That night would be the only time I had pictures of my own, but, I couldn't help but smile that I'd get my own.
Before I knew it, the clock read 2:00 am and both of you were in my arms.
The medicine. The confusion. The pain.
It was all worth it.
I can't even come to explain the pride, the pain, and the perfection of it all. You were beautifully mine. Your hands were the size of my fingertips. Your heads were smaller than my palms. Your feet were each formed to fit your tiny bodies, bodies that only stretched a little over the length of my hands.
I held on to you as long as I could, but time takes its toll. After the memories were captured, books were read and prayers were prayed. It had come time to say goodbye.
That short amount of time will never make up for the life I have to spend without you, but, it is a moment for a mother, and those moments last forever.
Happy Birthday Paxton James and Maria Rose. I love you.
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