An Empty Blanket

I picked up the crocheted blanket to get ready for the next picture. As I brought it close to my shoulder, I smelt my babies. Sweet, soft baby powder flourished into my senses, I took a deep breath and posed, reminiscing on the time before when I had held my twins in this very blanket. A time before I had to hold an empty blanket.

October 15th

A day to remember those that were lost before you could meet them or all too soon after meeting them.

Today is the first time I am aware that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. When I realized this, I knew it was my job to bring awareness to such a vital day for women who have lost children.

For those of you who don’t know my story, I’ll give it in the shortest way… for now.

I found out I was pregnant at eighteen. Then, I found out it was twins, a baby boy and a baby girl! My dreams were shifted, but I had finally gotten used to my reality when my world stopped spinning. After two weeks in a hospital bed, I delivered and lost my twins at twenty-one weeks. Lately, I have been getting through these tough, or a better word would be depressing, times by writing. However, everyone grieves differently. Some like to listen to others’ stories. So, I considered this, and I wanted to share my story.

Down below is a revised journal from a night that I missed the twins so much so that my body felt like it was physically missing a piece of itself.

I’m at my lowest. I can’t stop crying. Everything is hitting me at once. I feel nothing tonight. I am numb. I am depressed. I feel that I can’t love anything the way I loved them. I feel that, that kind of love doesn’t exist for me anymore. That kind of love won’t happen for me again. I want it to, but I can’t see it happening. Is looking for it worth my heartache? Worth my growth? Is it easier just to stay in this rut? It would be easier if I could believe myself when I tell people that I am okay. I just feel empty. I aspire to be inspired. I’ve lost so many parts of myself in such a short amount of time. I introduce myself not by name, but by news. I’m constantly tangled in my sad story. I used to be the expecting mother, now I am a grieving mom. I know that they live differently, but I can’t fathom that I have to live differently too. So, I stay stuck because growth picks you up past the ground. But I don’t want to fall again. The ground is where I remember those that I have lost, and I can’t lose them again. I feel as if freezing time would be the only way to feel. I know it’s unhealthy to think that way, but on nights like this my mind is lost in a daze, a nightmare.

I shared this to show you all how real postpartum depression can be for any mother, but especially those that have lost their child/children. From experience, these mothers need to be comforted on a day of remembrance. This loss is a loss like no other. If you lose your child, you are losing a part of yourself. No one wants to hold an empty blanket, but some of us are called to bear that challenge. Share your love today with a woman who has an angel or two. I can promise that you will bring a little peace to her spirit. Acknowledging the lives of the unborn and infants is important to any mother, so never forget about those women who are holding an empty blanket.

Photos By Bailey Trichell (Click Here)

When I found out I was pregnant I never thought that I would be taking pictures with my babies in this way. Thank you, again, Bailey for capturing such special pieces of my story.