Why is it that depression sometimes feels easier than healing?
I remember contemplating this thought frequently after the loss of my twins. I felt that, if I got up from that very low point, my life would change drastically. I thought I'd completely forget about the one I was in presently. And, last October I touched on this thought in my post An Empty Blanket. If you can't recall, I wrote, "Is it easier just to stay in this rut?" I continue, "I know that they live differently, but I can’t fathom that I have to live differently too. So, I stay stuck because growth picks you up past the ground. But I don’t want to fall again. The ground is where I remember those that I have lost, and I can’t lose them again."
Have you ever felt this way, too? I'm posting to make this space a comfortable, reliable resource for you to relate, understand, and reflect upon those feelings. Because let's face it, grief isn't easy, but it may feel comfortable.
The life I led before my loss was totally different from the one I lead now. And, to be completely transparent, because that's what my blog is for, I didn't ever expect to live this life I live now. And before the twins, I never saw being a mother in my plans, at least not until the future. And before that, I never saw myself attending college at UL either. I'm sure you can recognize a pattern here. Those plans I made for myself weren't going, well... as I had planned. And, my gosh did that set me out of my comfort zone? It did. So much so that I'll say I went into mild depression a few times throughout my life. And guess what? Many times my depression became my comfort zone. I realize that putting that into words could make me sound crazy to you, but, if you've been depressed, deep down you know that may hold true for you. You aren't alone in this war of depression. Trust me, more people are on the battlefield than you realize.
So, why does depression disguise itself as a warm hug in lonely times, instead of revealing itself as the cruel, invading emotion that it truly is?
Well, I did some research and found an article by GIA Miami called "Why Does Depression Feel Comfortable: Addicted to Depression" that explains this side of psychology in a flawlessly simple way.
To know your psychological health, you have to understand which emotions are pointers for the many forms of depression. In the article, GIA Miami explains that depression makes you feel anxious, tired, hopeless, and more simply... moody. And if you've experienced depression,
"You may feel like being depressed is part of your identity, that it offers an explanation for your experience of the world, or that recovery would involve reinventing a new you." -GIA Miami
Sound familiar? For me, it hits home. I remember feeling this way after my traumatic event, and you may be experiencing that now. So, are you actually addicted to depression? No. Addiction physically changes your brain's reward system, creating urges to repeat bad habits that are difficult to resist. And, if you know the feeling, depression is never rewarding, but it can feel comforting.
Surprisingly, there is no concrete answer for why people can feel this way in depression. But, there are studies that suggest we choose sad things and actions to verify ourselves. In GIA Miami's article, it's better said that "sadness reaffirms who they [depressed individuals] are." So, if you have been lucky enough to dodge depression, imagine having to reaffirm this new version of yourself with sadness, just to feel comfortable again. Sounds hard enough, right?
So, what do you do after knowing all of this? Seek help. Step out of that comfort zone that depression wraps you in. Defeat the lie of comfort and rediscover yourself. Just because you are healing, doesn't mean you are forgetting your experiences or saying goodbye to yourself. Instead, you are exposing depression as the deceitful detour it is.
Source:
GIA Miami, GIA Miami. “Why Does Depression Feel Comfortable: Addicted to Depression.” GIA Miami, 7 Oct. 2022, https://gia.miami/rehab-blog/why-does-depression-feel-comfortable-addicted-to-depression/#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20lived%20with%20depression%20for%20some%20time%2C%20whether,feel%20like%20your%20comfort%20zone.
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