What an imposition. What a challenge. What a journey.
Stuck in a daze of depression, two years ago, I sat listening to a priest remind us to rejoice over the death of my grandfather. "He was in a better place." It was the same speech everyone tries to comfort you with when you've lost someone. It was the same speech I kept getting for the loss of the twins. Bored with the words that held truth yet brought me no hope, I zoned into my own thoughts. Why was all of this happening to me in one year. Why was God punishing me? Why did Papa have to go too?
Suddenly, the priest said something out of the ordinary, "He lives differently." Yes, that sounded unusual to me. He lives differently? How? Why? Where? When? I wanted answers. I was interested in the thought of life brought about in different ways.
This priest spoke of seeing Papa in different ways- how to recognize his presence, along with God's, in our day-to-day lives. He told us that, when we do things that we used to do with him, he is there. When we see a beautiful sunset or a sky filled with stars, he is there. The priest went on to even share that cardinals and butterflies can symbolize his presence.
That day, my family left the funeral home with the thought of Papa living on in different ways. My grandmother told all the grandchildren that Papa would visit us as a yellow butterfly. She assured us that the little yellow butterfly would gently glide into site when we needed to feel Papa's presence the most.
It seems so childlike, but I truly do believe that all the yellow butterflies I've seen since that day are sent from heaven, like little angel kisses from Papa.
Free. Gentle. Reborn. Joyful. Changed. Harmless.
That's when I was inspired to write the poem "A Glimpse of Yellow."
When you lose someone to death, your world changes. Your strength goes weak. Happiness goes dim. Mindset goes missing. Pieces of you feel taken away. You go from living freely to feeling completely caged in. You start living life in a way that makes you unhappy, and being caged in nearly feels like the safest option. Couldn't that cage keep you safe, keep you closer? Yet, when you gain an angel, you are called to live differently too.
Living differently after loss calls for change. Change is uncomfortable, and maybe even a bit challenging. Yet, change is such a beautiful journey. Think about the life of a butterfly. From egg, to worm, to cocoon, a butterfly is in a constant state of change. One moment crawling the earth, the next moment it becomes one with the sky. But, the butterfly couldn't fly until it's wings were free.
So, to set your wings free. Search for your angel in new ways as each day comes. Enjoy a quiet morning. Chase the sunsets. Search in the stars. Keep your eyes open for those angel kisses and playful God winks. Search for the glimpse of yellow.
They live differently, and now you must too.
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