That Taste of Freedom

Go back to the feeling of when you're 16, blaring music as you hit the country curves for the first time driving alone. It feels the same as leaving him.

Go back to the feeling of a night as a college freshman with no curfew, living alone for the first time in your life. It feels the same as leaving him.

Go back to the feeling of a weekend on spring break with no true vacation plans, living life on the excitement of an adventurous detour. It feels the same as leaving him.

That taste of freedom.

For two years, I gave him every piece of me, constantly worried about a relationship he never truly cared about. The relationship where he granted himself freedom, meanwhile trapping me in his cage of lies. Fatuous Love.

But, leaving him... granting myself that freedom he gave himself all along.... It feels pretty damn good.

Freedom to stay up until 2:00am, just because I want to.

Freedom to go to the gym, without getting accused.

Freedom to visit my friends and family without feeling like I'm taking away from us.

Freedom to let myself feel again without being told my emotions are invalid.

Freedom to decide upon those emotions that I so foolishly let him control.

I think that bit of freedom is the hardest curve to steer. For so long, I let him decide how I should feel. Where I should be. Who I should be... It feels odd to even have the control over my life again.

He trained me well. Relying on him. Depending, hoping, even praying for the approval of my thoughts and actions. Like a child, I let him mold me into who he thought I needed to be, not once thinking how it would disform me.

I won't pretend like everything we had was bad or that I never loved him. There is a reason that today would have made two years. But, there's also the reason why today is now just a day in October.

Navigating through these emotions has been so tiring and inconvenient. I still can't quite understand why I have to go through the emotions of betrayal. Hadn't he put me through enough? Yet, I'm grateful for his mistake, it made me strong enough to leave.

And, leaving him feels like 16, college, no curfew, spring break, detours, adventure, GNOs, and anything I'd like to add. Because, you know what, I'm free of the delusion of loving him.